Becoming Phindi

The pandemic was a very difficult time for me. I remember the early days, waiting for COVID patients to flood the emergency department. The anticipation. The fear. The media coverage in other parts of the world looked grim. What was COVID going to do to me and my family. Little did I know that COVID was going to transform my life forever. 

My daughter was a little over one, when COVID hit the US. She stayed home from March-September 2020. My husband was tasked with the responsibilities of working from home and taking care of her while I went to work. I worked about 3 days a week and when I would return home, I would take over her care. On my days off, I spent hours trying to keep her engaged. I washed clothes, managed household chores, while still decompressing from a very emotional week at work. At least once a week someone was dying or being placed on a ventilator. That took a serious toll on my mental health. I had already established a relationship with a therapist, so I just tried to increase my appointment frequency but the shear stress I was under could not be shared with my loved ones. With my therapist, I truly felt that I could freely share the stressors of my life. 

October I had a missed period and found out I was pregnant. It was not entirely planned. We had discussed a second baby in the past but both agreed maybe waiting an additional year until COVID cases declined. I told my husband the news who visibly was upset. I asked him how he felt about the situation, and I cannot seriously remember the answer, but it did not make me feel good. I commented, “do you feel like I trapped you.” The comment was a joke, especially given we are married. It was a way to lighten the mood given his cold response to new life being bred inside of me. He was very upset by this comment. For 3 weeks my husband did not speak to me. We became strangers in our home. When it was time to sleep he would turn his back towards me. He had a trip to Ghana during this time and left me for 2 weeks. I remember going to the airport to see him off in an attempt to mend the relationship. He did not receive me with open arms. He left the country and I spent 2 additional weeks without him physically and emotionally during the most important time of the development of a fetus. 

When he returned he tried to bury the hatchet and check his feelings, however it was obvious he was still not happy. I went to my ultrasound without him. I had two ultrasounds that both confirmed a miscarriage. My baby never grew past 6 weeks. I was quickly scheduled for surgery a few days later. I did this all alone. The sadness I felt sitting in pre op was one I could not describe. I wish that pain on no one. COVID prevented any visitors before surgery. This is one of the worse things families have endured over the last two years. Going through the health care system without a loved one holding your hand is painful. Until this day, that time of my life brings incredible sadness. My husband was visibly absent. Physically and emotionally. He abandoned me during a time I needed him the most. This is not normal. I did not deserve this.

This traumatic event was the beginning of the end. We had a lot of fun together in the ten years I knew him, however there were significant issues that eroded the trust in the union. We had done therapy several times, but it just could not save what was lost. We spent the next few months separated. I began to dissect his actions. Was he emotionally abusive? Were his actions intentional? Or was he projecting? Why would he abandon me when I needed him the most? Did he love me? Did he want the marriage? Did he want to be a father? I processed events in our marriage. I had to stop and think about myself. I needed to think about if the marriage was serving me. I wrestled with this for weeks. I prayed to God. Ultimately, I decided the marriage was not serving me. I filed for a divorce and I never looked back.

The reason our marriage failed was multi factorial but I can say for a fact, my husband failed me. But when I reflect, I look at this event as something I had to go through. I cannot imagine, having two children and navigating this divorce. I wish I had not lost that baby, but I understand why it needed to happen. This was Gods saving grace. His ways are not our ways. All the signs of a failed marriage were in plain sight, but I needed this to more clearly. I do not regret my decision to pursue a divorce in any way. I deserve love. I deserve a spouse who is excited about doing life with me in every way. I deserve safety and trust. I deserve a life partner.