Becoming Phindi

When I told my husband I did not want to be married anymore, I felt empowered. I was proud of myself. I had finally stood up for me and decided enough was enough. For years, I had discounted my feelings and tried to fix a broken situation. But here I was, standing tall and putting myself first. However, my decision did not come without consequences.

My husband did not take the news of my filing well. I had given him warning, however when the papers fell onto his lap he was angry and in denial. We had been sleeping in separate rooms at this point for some time. The relationship was clearly broken, however to him leaving was not an option. Perhaps, he wanted us to chill in the dysfunction we were accustomed to. In his anger, my husband left the state and left me with my 3 year old alone. I am an Emergency room physician. My work hours are never the same each week. One week I may work Tuesday and Thursday, but the next week Wednesday and Sunday. My husband was the parent with an 8-5 virtual job. He was able to work from him and able to care for her if my hours did not allow. When my husband left, I did not have child care. He let me know, that he needed to leave the state for his own mental health so that he could be okay for our daughter. When I asked him how long he would be gone for, he told me he did not know, but it would be for a while. Until he was “able to get on his feet again.” How was it so easy for him to get up and leave his daughter? I cannot imagine doing this.

After he left, I was left without child care and had to think fast. I immediately flew in my mother to help me. She lives in California and was able to work from home. She stayed for one week. When she left, we brought my aunt in from Eswatini, to help care for my daughter. She planned to stay for 6 months and was unable to drive while here. As a result, I switched most of my shifts to be overnights, so that I would be able to take my daughter to school and pick her up. During this time, my daughter had serious regressions. She was potty trained, but started having accidents in the playground and during nap time. Her sleep was disrupted. Every night she woke up in the middle of the night and came to sleep in my room. It was difficult. Perhaps, my narcissist husband wanted me to feel this pinch. He needed me to see how life would be like without his presence. He called her when it was convenient for him, and when he did he would promise her of his return. She cried several nights for her dad. I really had to pull from an internal strength that I had never needed before. Biweekly therapy managed to prevent me from entering into a dark place. My daughter needed me to be at my best and I was not going to have it any other way.

Months later, my husband returned to the state. I still don’t know where he lives. He comes to see his daughter when it is convenient for him. On average he has seen her about 1-2 hours per week. She has had a few rough weeks. Many of her tantrums have followed visits from her father. Several times she has expressed her sadness and anger at her fathers abscence. I have sought out guidance from my therapist, her school, and developmental specialist who have really helped me. I also just got an au pair from Columbia who is absolutely amazing. She will stay a year and maybe extend if we do well together. Things are calming down. I am finally starting to breath again.

The statistics on divorced children are out there. Many of them dismal, however, they don’t take into effect so many things. There is perfectly good data out there that what a child needs is one loving parent. They need to feel safe and secure. The absence of her dad in the home can be weighed against the exposure to abuse inside of the home. Which one is more detrimental? One thing I constantly remind myself is that this too shall pass. It is hard now, and may very well continue in that path, however the latter is worse. Many women have done this and their children have done well. What my daughter needs from me is love. And that is what I plan on giving her. I have been more than intentional when it comes to this. So yes, it sucks. My child will feel pain, and I will not be able to prevent this. I can only be there for her and help her through it.