Becoming Phindi

Ten months after filing for a divorce, my trial finally happened.  For ten months I had attempted finalizing the divorce outside of court.  I wish for an uncontested divorce, but it was not my reality. I asked my husband to set aside time for us to discuss custody of our child and division of assets.  He was angry and refused to engage in such discussions for almost one year.  He told me the only way he would get a divorce was if the court made him. During one of our status hearings, he asked the judge if we could do mediation.  Mediation failed.   I tried to request a resolution to the divorce until I gave up.  So my lawyer scheduled a divorce trial. 

Leading up to the trial, my lawyer had me fill out a form where I listed my assets, monthly expenses, and debts.  They requested he do the same.  He never fully participated in the litigation process.  He gave minimal information and minimal effort.  My lawyer had to subpoena documents from his work, 401k, his bank account.  His assets were based on information he gave us.  So if there was more we did not know. 

In any case, our virtual court date came.  My husband came in a t shirt and was on his cell phone and unrepresented. Both parties were given the opportunity to have an opening argument.  The judge asked me why I was filing a divorce.  I explained the infidelities and the miscarriage that prompted a very necessary process.  My lawyer followed with requests to the court: 1) I get primary physical custody over the child, but we have joint custody.  2). She requested that I keep the house since I pay the mortgage. 3) She asked that we both walk away with our own individual assets.  This was a radical ask given we are in an equitable division state. But given my financial responsibilities it made sense. When my husband had the opportunity to speak, he first requested that the court remove any wording that he was unfaithful in the marriage.  During cross examination he asked me if I ever caught him having sex with other women. He argued that because there is no evidence the court should remove this as a cause for the dissolution of the marriage. Secondly, he told the court, that I had suffered a prior miscarriage, so he was not sure why this one was any different.  He also lied to the court and said that I spent the first two years as an absent parent, working several days a week, and vacationing with boyfriends on my free time.  He argued he was the sole caretaker of the child.  He asked the court to divide our assets right down the middle. He asked that the house be sold and the assets split. His kids well being was not a priority during these proceedings. Custody was not part of his argument. He was on a selfish mission.  For now, he would take whatever custody I gave him.  Sitting through all of this was very difficult.  Here was the man, who agreed to spend the rest of his life with me. He agreed to kids and the whole nine yards.  But here he was lying, and requesting the court give him money he did not work for.  And worse, he felt that he deserved this.  

When we got engaged, I was in residency.  During our courtship, many people asked me if I was going to get a pre-nuptial agreement ( pre-nup) prior to getting married.  My reply usually was, “I am getting married forever, I do not need a pre-nup.” Divorce was not an option for me.  I remember my friends asking me if I would divorce if I ever was “unhappy” or feeling “unloved”.  My response usually was no. Divorce was not in the will of God and would not be my portion.  Are you rolling your eyes yet?  Man what I would give to go back to that place and rethink this.  I was not thinking ahead at that time.  I did not have anything.  No 401k, no car, no real assets.   I was not thinking that one day my income would surpass his.  All I was thinking was what is mine would be his and what was his would be mine.   Unfortunately, five years into our marriage my net worth was drastically different from when we first met.   I now made 5 times more than my husband and had substantially more in retirement.  I was carrying the family financially.  This was the reality I failed to consider.  But here I was, living in a 50/50 state with my husband requesting the court split our assets in two, so that he may be able to maintain a lifestyle for his kid that was equitable to mine.  In attempts to resolve our case, I offered a large sum of money that was not 50/50 but close.  He refused.  He wanted 50/50.  My lawyer argued that I had over 300,000 in student loans and my net worth was actually negative. We ran out of time, and the judge requested some time outside of the courtroom to deliberate.  It has been more than three weeks of waiting for a decision.  It has been an interesting wait.  Any time now, I may have to part with my house and part of my hard earned 401 k. Whatever the case is, I have mentally and financially prepared myself to lose a great deal of money.  But I thank God that what I have and will gain is so much more.  He can have the house, my money, but he can’t have my peace.  And he can’t take the love between my daughter and me.  So, I peacefully wait for the ruling.  Either way, I do not regret the decision to file for a divorce.